Allying the Kitchen

or

You - the Customer

Never forget that your kitchen doesn't like you. They might smile to your face, you might laugh and grabass with them in the walk-in, but when bills print up with your name at the top you'd better believe they'd rather see you eat that paper than make the order written on it. In this moment you aren't their friend: you are The Enemy. A Work Creator, just like the rest of them. A layer of management, you might say, but only insomuch as once you have decreed an order he knows he must make it, or have a damn good reason why he can't. You perpetuate their misery. If between your ordering and their cooking a mistake is made, especially by them (but especially by you) their teeth grind and nostrils flare. They are just as temperamental and whiny as we are; the only difference is that we depend on them. Don't turn your nose up and avoid handling this particular problem when it arises (and it will), because that might help your self esteem, but it doesn't help your customers or your wallet, and that is very much why we're here, friends.

Lets talk strategy:

Stay Out!

Any Chef I've ever met will breathe fire on whatever number of lowly servers for no reason at all. If he is busy & you are there, well... Smart people don't need to be told it's raining. Just back off and wait. I don't like breathing down a guy's back. Trying to get an order out of busy cooks can be worse than pulling teeth (dentists have drugs, and there's less blood). If the customer has to wait and it's not your fault, the manager will likely wind up having to make it up to them - in which case your tip might improve anyway, if you've laid good groundwork convincing them you are competent and have their best interests in mind. I find my tips suffer on the odd customer with a slow or accident prone kitchen, but if when the nasty hits the fan with Chit Chasers you never seem to be around, bully for you. Remind them subtly in everyday conversation that you never ask where food is. If you're missing a dish, that's the expo/management team's responsibility. Tell them. Don't tell the guy making the food, because he's busy and just doesn't want to hear it. It is not your job to haggle & argue with the rest of the staff, and if you can avoid it, do it. Like I said: the odd customer suffers, but your section on a night-to-night basis might get their food faster. It is up to you to read your line cooks and decide whether this could benefit you or not.

Excuse, Excuse, Excuse!

Make things up to tell the customers and kitchen. They say you shouldn't ever blame the kitchen for a mistake, and this is true. But the funny thing about theory is that it often doesn't actually apply to real life - take Communism, for example. In a perfect world, we could all share an do better for it. In the real world, when you're explaining to the odd-man-out why he and his daughter can't eat while the other six people at their table already are, it's gotta be somebody's fault, and Buddy, that's not me. I jump on bullets like that for no man, and you shouldn't either. Managers who get all over servers they catch using this excuse usually come from the kitchen themselves, and are out blood over the principal of the matter. Nobody likes hearing that the wait staff continually blames the kitchen & therefore instills in the public's memory that your restaurant's kitchen can't handle the press, which is why it's good to toss it up. Another great standby is the computer system. I'll usually tell people that the system had been shut down and restarted, because no bills were making it to the kitchen, and something must have happened with their order. Assure them that they're your first priority, and you will not rest until their food is on the table. Reaffirm that it's not your fault & you are resolutely on their side. Nobody's happy with this response (again, because nobody's ass is on the line, and it's discomforting for people not to have an identifiable entity to hate), but it works, and there's nothing you can say. No way to prove it one way or another, and most people aren't wily enough to ask a manager about it. Your bill must've been lost in the shuffle, sorry we're out of that please re-order, etc. etc... Only a stupid and dangerous waiter will play the kitchen off the customers and vice versa, or tell his table one thing and the manager another, but I'm just a little of both, and if you're slick enough, the benefits can be substantial.

Flagrant Bribery

Any kitchen worker will accept a favor from you with obvious, barefaced greed. They may smile and chuckle, they might shake their head and walk away, but they'll remember you as That One; the server who took the time to help. It doesn't guarantee you an in, but it makes your life easier. They don't care why you're doing it, they just want whatever you're willing to give. Cut lemons for them, jump in dish, whatever - any simple thing you can do to make their lives easier will give you preference. Servers who treat the kitchen like trash might find that their orders come up late & wrong a little more often than those servers that don't, and the funniest part is they never put it together in their head. It's the same way with you and your customers! When someone is crass with me right off the bat, I immediately deprioritize them. That's just how the human brain works. You likely find those tables' orders come out a little iffy more often than not. That's because they either jolted you into being too worried about making sure they wouldn't be an issue (to the point where you got the order wrong), or your dignity took over and certain parts of your brain just powered down at that first snooty comment. It's the same way with your kitchen. I've always said there is no better insurance policy against dirty cutlery than good repore with this month's dish guy. Kitchen people will never flat out tell you they don't like you & your food is wrong as a direct result of that, because that sort of admission can get a guy fired. Please believe me, friend, those dogs have their day with us a lot more than most, and they are laughing about you when you're not around.

Always under promise and over deliver. Treat them like you'd treat your customers, but don't let them capitalize and take advantage, because they will. The only difference between your line cooks and your customers is you have to see the cooks again tomorrow, and they are secure enough on their end of the spectrum to enjoy ultimate comfort at your most incredible strain, if you let them. With a little polish and a big toothy smile, it takes roughly two weeks for those ten or twenty people to go from your worst enemies to Your People. Make the effort & notice the difference.

And say Thank You to the dish guy, for God's Sake.